Sunday, December 14, 2008
It's Different
As we prepare to take other peoples children into our home and care for them as if they were our own I find that I am more sensitive to the things people say. Things like, "it's different when it's your own kid." What does that mean? Most parents with biological children say the same thing. It's different. So, as a woman that may never have biological children am I missing out on more then just the obvious? Am I unable to love a child that isn't mine the same as a mother who has given birth to a child? I mean there are so many costs that I have come to terms with as we prepare to take care of these children. If we adopt out of foster care I will never be able to name that child. Jason will never give that child a name and a blessing as an infant. I will not be given a child who I have nurtured since conception. If a child comes into our home it means there is some malfunction in their family of origin and there will be permanent repercussions. If I do take a children into my home and they live with us for 18 months, perhaps their first steps are taken in our living room or their sibling has their first day at kindergarten while with us, then they go home, those children are not mine. "It's different," they say. Perhaps it is, but as long as the child feels loved and cared for and accepted does it really matter if it's a different kind of love?
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7 comments:
I don't know that I've ever commented on your blog before, and just clicked on it from someone elses, but I wanted to put in my thoughts anyway.
I've always wanted to adopt a sibling pair someday, and although right now we have one biological daughter and another baby on the way, that is still a goal in my life. Maybe not right now, but one day.
So, yes, I think it is different, but that doesn't mean it isn't just as great. We know a family that has adopted about 4 foster kids that were in their home and I was talking to the mom one day and she confirmed that it was different at first, but now she loves them no more or less or differently than she does her biological children.
Knowing that you may have a child in your home for a long long time, and then that child be placed back into their original home would be so hard. I think it takes a strong woman and mother to be able to love a child completely with that knowledge. But that love is going to be so important to them. The children in foster care need someone to love them so badly, and even when they are no longer in your home, their knowledge that someone in the world loves them and treated them well will make a difference to them during their lonely times.
Sorry this is longer and maybe it doesn't make sense, but I would just say, don't listen to those remarks, because your love and nurturing will have no less an impact on their lives than someone else's love of their biological children.
Tiffany (Austin) Ward
I think it is different when it is your kid but when you adopt, although not biological, it is your own. I don't know about foster care. I know you have to have a big heart and that when you take a child into your home, although there may be differences, you just have to love them like your children. I love my nieces and nephews very much but I love them like nieces and nephews. You will love these children just like you would a child you nurture from conception because you have that kind of a heart.
First of all, I think you guys are going to do a great job, and any kid would be lucky to come and spend some time in your home.
That being said, I think it is different. I know when my mom was doing foster care she made the comment that it is so much harder to get up at 2 am and feed a child that you know isn't yours, and isn't going to be permenantly staying with you.
But on the other hand, I see her with Ashlee (who they adopted out of foster care), and I would say that she loves her just as much as any of the rest of us.
So it is different. You don't know them from the minute of conception, in Ashlee's case we didn't know her until she was 2.5. But does that mean you love them less? Not at all.
I asked my mom once why she just didn't have another baby, why we had to jump through all the hoops. She told me it was because she felt very strongly that Heavenly Father was sending her another child, and that child was already here, she just had to find them.
All kids originally come from the same place, it's just the path they take to get to your home that varies.
You guys are going to do a great job, you have so much love to give. I know you made an impression on my kids, and we were only there for a couple of days.
Grrr....I totally just wrote a great comment and it got erased. So here is my attempt to write the same thing.
Although I don't have any experience in this matter, I would imagine the same love would be developed whether they're your blood or not. It may be different at first, as you get to know one another, but as the relationship develops, so will that certain love. I think it may be different for everyone, but for a person as good and warm-hearted as you, I think that love will come really naturally, because you love unconditionally. Not that other people don't, but YOU, YOU especially, I definitely see as one where the "difference" between a child of your own and an adopted or fostered child, will be very minimal.
Whatever your feelings, that child, or those children, will be VERY BLESSED, and so will you! I love you!
I have thought about the same thing since we are also going to be foster parents. You put my thoughts and feelings into words, and I am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way. I think that the love is probably different because you know that the child may not stay with you forever. I think we just need to not let that stop us from loving the child as much as possible, not for us, but for them. I know that it is going to be hard to be a foster parent, but I am so excited to be able to share all the love that I have to give, even if it is 'different'.
Well, technically you can change their full name when adopted....
It's a crazy time doing foster care. You guys will see the ups and downs, but will be blessed for doing some wonderful work as you both are great people. The foster system needs more sane people in it. We have run in to many idiots doing it, that only seem to be doing it for a few extra bucks. Anyway, good luck.
Oh, one more thing. We had that couple who do foster care in our ward, bless their two girls last month. It was cool to see the one at around one year and the other around 2 years old. It brought up a lot of emotions seeing it. Someday...
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