Well here it goes.  We had a failed IVF cycle in March.  I was so excited about my weight loss and then I GAIN a ton of weight in the aftermath.  I'd like to blame it on the hormones (it seems everyone else does) but I know that isn't the whole story.  I went in yesterday for a follow up Sonohysterogram.  It was PAINFUL, but some of my previous problems have been resolved.  YAY!

I've picked up a job.  Actually it fell in my lap, and I'm so grateful.  I think it will be a wonderful fit.

We're traveling this summer.  Plus I'm trying to convince J he wants to go camping with me.  Maybe I should just plan a long weekend and surprise him...

We are going to be a one car family for the first time ever.  It's weird to say that out loud.  We've been so blessed to have 2 cars.  And really, we are so blessed to own both outright.  It allows us the freedom to make this choice.

And choices are everything.

fertility: I Swim For Better Days

"I swim for better days, Despite the absence of sun

Chocking on salt water, I'm not giving in

I swim"

"Just find the horizon

I promise it's not as far as you think."

fertility: Ovarian Resistance

Our January IVF was canceled on day 9 and I was diagnosed with Ovarian Resistance.  Ovarian Resistance has been known as Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) and Early Menopause. 


"Premature ovarian failure occurs when your ovaries-which store and release eggs-stop working before age 40. You may have no or few eggs. " Web MD I have few eggs.


How common is this?  Web MD says 1-4% American women are diagnosed with POF.

Is there anything we can do?  No, there is no cure or treatment. 10% of Women with POF will conceive naturally once after their body goes into POF.  

We are hoping to do one more cycle of traditional IVF.  Then we are hoping to adopt. 

I'm sure the Lord has a plan for us.  We are trying to listen for what that is.  This is something so completely out of our control.  There isn't much we can do except "Let It Be."

IVF Canceled

Our IVF cycle was canceled on day 9.  My overies just don't respond to the drugs and my eggs weren't maturing.

Just a little catch up.   Things for us are pretty mellow.  

IVF

Our December cycle was also canceled.  Although not the news we were hoping for, it is not devistating.  I've been focusing on having the healthiest body I can so, hopefully, we can have a healthy pregnancy.  This cycle, some of my numbers were high, and that brought adoption back into the picture.  We'll have to see what happens.  Surprisingly, I'm  not stressing over this.  It has been a long, hard road and I know that there are blessings in store, no matter which way we go.  

Other News

Ok there really isn't other news.  I've been keeping busy watching friends' children and Christmas crafting.  We had a quiet Thanksgiving with Holy, Grace, and Garrison (aka G and Little G's family).  We are so blessed with their friendship and love.  The twins turned 2 this month and sadly we missed them on their birthday.  

Christmas shopping is DONE and all our presents have been mailed.  YAY!  I'm just enjoying my time with friends this Christmas season.  J is busy: work is stressful, church and other meetings take up a couple of nights a week, and the scouts have monthly trips.   I feel like we have 3 good evenings a week and I'm happy with it.  

To our family and friends, I hope this Christmas season finds you well and happy!

fertility: IVF Canceled

This IVF cycle has been canceled.  We'll try again next cycle or maybe the cycle after that....

fertility: 4th cycle

Warning-This is a technical post.  If you are not interested in the Why of our infertility then feel free to skip this. It also was written the beginning of September.  We are currently in the middle of our 5th cycle since starting to see our fertility doctor.

This is my fourth cycle since we started seeing our fertility specialist.  I think we may have a good idea of what my body is doing.  The mucinex worked this cycle and we are excited that one hurtle is out of the way.

Unfortunately we still have many problems with my ovary and fallopian tube on the left side of my body.  My ovary is partially (or totally) covered with scar tissue and tissue from the organ it has attached to.  The doctor explained that this tissue is a problem because an egg can become stuck in it.  =(   My left fallopian tube is also blocked, not allowing an egg to travel to the uterus.  

We were hoping that I would ovulate one month on my left side and one month on my right side.

I had marked my calendar with little L's (for left side), and  R's (for right side) on alternating cycles to "know" which cycles I would be most fertile.   It was my way of controlling SOMETHING.  This month was supposed to be an R and I was excited at the thought that this could be THE cycle.   Looking back now this was overly optimistic and a little foolish.   I went in for an ultrasound on day 14 of my cycle and found out I had ovulated on the left side.  We've gone left, right, left, LEFT.  Tears.

We are still hopeful that we will be able to conceive naturally but we know this is unlikely.  As I look at the sacrifices we have made and those we are expecting to make in the near future I have found peace.  I know that the Lord will bless us with what we need.

fertility: Mucinex

We did our last diagnostic test - a post coital test.  It looks at J's sperm as it moves through the cervical mucus.  Mine was like a brick wall - No passage.   The prescription? Over the counter mucinex.  It'll help thin the cervical mucus.   


This finally explains why, when I was a fit young 20 trying to conceive, we had problems.   That was before my hormones crashed the party and made everything more difficult. 


Things have improved on metformin.  I have to eat regularly and make sure I take my pills with food.  Taking supplemental vitamins, especially B vitamins has increased my energy and helped with my overall sense of well-being.  When I have too much sugar in the afternoon (like a soda or sweets) I crash fast- low energy, nausea, light headed....  I have to be careful what I eat and when.   


Overall things have improved.  My sister has inspired me to loose weight, and J and I are talking about a "Babymoon"(one last vacation before it becomes more difficult to get away).  For the first time in our almost 7 years of marriage I'm hopeful that we have the tools to start our growing family.

fertility: Metformin

I've been taking Metformin for my insulin resistance.  When the nurse told me it might make me sick I brushed it off.  I rarely experience side effects, so imagine my surprise when I experienced almost EVERY side effect - nauseous, vomiting, (gas), light headed, dizzy, tired, headaches.  Today I double my dose and just want to cry.  How do people live their lives while feeling so sick???


NOTE: SEA BANDS are the answer.  110% better with sea band help today.   Choked down my pills today and put sea bands on right away.  I'm still light headed and dizzy-especially when I go too long without food-BUT I'm not throwing up and am able to work on projects today!!!!

fertility: Results

Ok for the record - HSG's aren't that bad!  At our last appointment the  nurse at the office asked if I wanted a lortab for the HSG.  I wasn't sure.  How much pain was I going to be in? I went home asking myself, "when was the last time I was in pain?"  "How high is my pain tolerance?"  I don't know.  I stressed over this for a week.  I talked about it to everyone who had a background in medicine and friends who have had an HSG.  I decided I could probably handle it.  In hindsight, I could TOTALLY handle it.   I feels a lot like menstrual cramps. Mostly it was uncomfortable. Sometimes it HURT but the pain didn't last long. After the appointment I could do everything I had planned for the day.  I know my experience isn't everyone's experience.  The thing I know is, trust your instinct.

The  HSG revealed that I'll need surgery to have my left side work properly.   We still have tests to do and cost analysis to weigh.

Blood work revealed some deficiencies.  Low Thyroid, and pre-diabetes (thanks Dad).  I'm on medications for those.

I've had people ask me ALOT- "If it's something easy to fix are you going to be sad/mad you didn't do this sooner." Until yesterday, these comments caused me to second guess myself.  Now I know the answer is no.  I knew that something was wrong, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy fix.  Again let's call it INSTINCT.  If we had had the word surgery come up 3 years ago I would have been completely overwhelmed.  And, if I can have a child with hormone correcting medications and only my right side working that's ok, too.  I know our road has been long and often painful and we still have a long way to go, but THIS is the time for us to do it.  It's not just knowing we can pay for it, it's a feeling that this is the right time.  Who knows why we've needed to wait so long?  I read someone's comment recently on a blog (sorry I don't know which one) talking about infertility.  It gave me peace.  She said:  "the older my son gets I realize it wasn't about me-It was ABOUT HIM.  His friends, his experiences, his life."  So I choose to believe that this trial isn't about me.  It's about my child.  The things he/she need to experience and accomplish have time tables.  How grateful I am for the time I was born, the good friends that carried me though my youth, and the experiences I've had BECAUSE of when I was born.

fertility: Going to the DR.

Receptionist: So when do you want to come in?

Me: What day in my cycle would the DR. like to see me?

Rec: Day 3.

Me: (nervous giggle)- He WANTS to see me on my period?

So, there I was, on day 3 and laying on the exam table. The news is good. No PCOS, and very little endometriosis.

Next week, I go in for an HSG and blood work.

fertility: I Think I Will thankyouverymuch

While helping a friend shop for blanket fabric for her unborn child I came across some I LOVED. She was sweet and encouraged me to pick it up for myself. I of course resisted unsure if I would ever have an infant. Next time I think I will, Second Sister Suaviloquy gave me permission.

Create

I remember this.

I love this.

For a woman who hasn't been able to create life, to know creating beauty and love is still a Godly pursuit.

article: Infertility Etiquette

Most of you know us well, and probably know other couples struggling with infertility. I thought I'd take a moment and share this article with you. I found it on a blog of a friends friend. I think it is a great resource for understanding one another.

I've taken my favorite parts and posted them, but if you'd like to read the whole article click on the title of the post.

Infertility Etiquette

by Vita Alligood as posted on RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association


Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

(This one was hard for me to grasp. As someone who has grieved for the loss of a loved one I was surprised that the pain of infertility can be just as poignant. I've felt guilty that infertility cut just as deep, as if it was a lesser trial then the loss of my bother. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I find that dealing with infertility (for me) is, in someways, harder. The promises of the Gospel bring comfort to a grieving family dealing with death. When dealing with infertility you have to reconcile promises of the Gospel with unmet expectations. E)

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

(This one is hardest for me. Be wise when you talk to someone about your experiences as a mother. Please, never make a woman feel stupid because she doesn't have children of her own. E)

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

After reading Leslie's post about her struggle with infertility I thought I'd post again about our experiences. We've had minor testing done-mostly enough to know that the problem exists with me, E. I am reluctant to continue testing for some unknown reason I have yet to analyze in myself (money? disappointment? wasted time if we have to adopt anyway?). What it really comes down to is I feel strongly that now is the time for us to foster children. Will we have children come into our family permanently through this experience? Maybe. We're open to that option. Mainly I feel like I have something to give or receive through this experience. Is it going to be hard? You bet it is. Harder then I know. But I am grateful for the opportunity J and I have been given to remember the promises that have been made to us, to follow through on promptings, and to have our capacity enlarged.