I know that there has been a lot of silence on our blog. We've had a busy summer and I have lots of catching up to do- but that's not the reason I haven't posted. I haven't posted b/c I'm afraid of what will come out. There's been a lot of turmoil in my life lately- all centered around foster care.
We have been so blessed with this first placement. These children are sweet and everyone is working SOOOO hard to get them "home." Sometimes I just hurt for me. Sometimes I am just so frustrated. I'm not even old enough to have an 8 year old and here I am parenting an 8 year old who literally acts 12. All she wants in the world is to be home. And I'm here feeling like a high schooler who has been rejected to the big dance, all because G wants to be with her parent?! Come on E! At least 2x a day I say to myself "It's not about me." But there is a lot going on that is about me: my patience, my capacity, my frustration, my anger, my insecurity, my self image, my self worth.
Some days I feel hurt and rejected and some days I feel elated at the progress being made in their case. I ultimately want these children to go home. Why is that so hard to remember?
6 comments:
Erica, we need to hang out soon. I'm sure we have felt similar feelings on this. At times it makes certain feelings worse...but then other happy feelings to see people hopefully change their lives around. It is rewarding. Don't give up!!! These kids will never be able to thank you for this invaluable service, but you will be blessed for sure.
Oh Dawn! I love you. If you ever need to vent at all, please give me a call and I will be more than willing to just listen to everything that you need to say. I think it's hard because you have grown to love those children, and that is a wonderful thing. Hang in there sweets.
We really should talk.
I know that right now you and I are going through completely different trials, but I have dealt with a lot of the same emotions. I know all about patience, long suffering, frustration, anger, self-doubt, and a huge range of insecurities.
Be strong, and try not to worry too much about the future. Just enjoy the present that you have with your sweet angels. Every day, every hour counts. Every minute is a new memory.
Really, I wish we could just meet for lunch sometime and discuss everything, but call me. Seriously, anytime you need to talk or vent, or just need a pick me up. My cell number hasn't changed, or email works too :)
Dawn, I am sure that you don't want a lot of sympathy or us to try and act like we understand . . . but just know that I think you are amazing! What you are doing is so significant for these kids and probably even their family. I know that you will be blessed. I know that Heavenly Father needs you and is so proud of what you are doing. He will take care of all of you. I'm sure I can't give advice, but just know too that it's ok to love these kids.
I remember listening to my Dad talk about his time counseling troubled kids and their families. He couldn't do it for too long because he couldn't find the balance between throwing his heart into each case and not letting himself get burnt out or hard. He always said that it took a special person to be able to find that balance. To be able to love and still let go. I know that you can be one of those special people. Out of all the people I know and love . . . I think you could really have a gift at this. You can read people so well, you are so strong, you're smart and level headed, nurturing, so giving, etc, etc. This must just be part of your refining process.
I love your guts. Call me too, even if you just need a distraction.
Erica, You are amazing! What more of a Christ-like attribute than to love and serve so selflessly. I can't imagine knowing that these children will eventually go "home" and still be able to give them all your love. You are truly amazing and I admire you so much! Keep your chin up knowing that the Lord can see around the next bend, even though we can't.
I love you!
Erica, I hope you don't think me presumptuous to respond to your blog. There is nothing harder than to try to provide stability and love in a situation of change and divided loyalties, and the great and wonderful service you are providing will never be fully appreciated by either the children or the parent. But I want you to know that we know and understand the feelings of hurt and rejection, along with the joy of the service, and we can't thank you enough for all you have done for these children. Don't doubt yourself, just realize it is part of the situation. May God bless you for your efforts and in your efforts.
Post a Comment